Causes & Treatment

How to Increase Your Fertility and Intimacy While Trying to Conceive

Eloise Edington  |  4 Aug 2021


When trying to conceive, sex can seem a lot more daunting. In some circumstances couples can struggle to regain that intimacy they once had before, due to incorporating such a rigid or calculated baby making regime.

Fertility Help Hub has reached out to Dr Denise Wiesner, a traditional Chinese Medicine Specialist, who combines intimacy techniques with other holistic fertility treatments, to discuss some of the ways that intimacy can be regained and reinvented into your relationship.

Read on to find out what Wiesner recommends to those struggling with erectile and ejaculate disfunction symptoms, and how to generally increase fertility, intimacy and sex when TTC (trying to conceive).

Words by Denise Wiesner

A Case of Intimacy Issues

My client came into my office distraught after having a miscarriage at six weeks. When I dug deeper, I found out that her husband had a hard time ejaculating inside her. This made it difficult to get the sperm where they needed to go. Part of her devastation was that he was able to do it this one time that she got pregnant and she was worried it wouldn’t happen again.

She went to a fertility specialist and they decided to do a medicated intrauterine insemination (IUI). They immediately put her on clomid. There was no mention of how to solve the ejaculation situation.

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I could see from her hormone numbers that they were all within the normal range. The clomid affected her. She was already very emotional and this made things worse. She came in sobbing and feeling out of sorts with her body. She did do an IUI but it wasn’t successful and the next month was a repeat performance, only this time the emotional wreckage from clomid was worse. Just for clarification, I am not against western medicine. There is a time and a place for it and with the right support (with complimentary medicine), the journey can have less wrinkles.

However, in this case there were other options that didn’t have to do with western medicine. And the one I recommended them to do was an at home intracervical insemination that didn’t require taking clomid. She purchased a device and after making love he ejaculated in a cup and inseminated her. I also gave her fertility supplements, herbs and exercises to do that would increase fertility. And to her surprise she got pregnant that way.

When I heard her story, I thought to myself how many other women struggle with such a similar problem, like painful sex or their partner having erectile dysfunction symptoms. Most women I find don’t know who to talk with about these problems. It’s hard enough to figure out how to get your body fertility ready, but then to deal with the timing of it all and the disappointment when it doesn’t happen becomes hard to bare.

That is why in this fertility blog, I am going to go over how to increase your fertility and answer questions that no one seems to talk about when it comes to baby-making.

Related Article – How Infertility has Rocked these Women’s Romantic Relationships; and How Communication has Improved Them

How Can Chinese Medicine Get My Body Fertile-Ready?

Chinese Medicine practitioners look at the whole person to see what is out of balance. We are concerned with details of the menstrual cycle, sleep, digestion, respiratory and other systems. One particular aspect of Chinese Medicine that I use and talk about in my course, “How to make a baby and have fun doing it,” are the 5-Elements. Using this system, we can address aspects of a person’s fertility, including helpful hints about how to connect with your partner. Chinese medicine tools are: acupuncture for fertility, herbs, supplements, exercises, meditations, and individual nutritional recommendations.

We treat each individual separately as no two people are alike. Chinese Medicine is also great to do to prepare for an IVF cycle.

Related Article – Chinese Medicine for (In)fertility – 5 Top Tips When You’re Trying to Conceive

Why Is Sex Painful?

There can be many reasons why sex is painful. Let’s start with the basic one: vaginal dryness. Besides fluctuating hormones, a woman can have dryness when there is not enough foreplay to allow the tissues to fill with blood.

Another reason for pain is endometriosis, which is diagnosed by a doctor or fertility specialist. There are also different kinds of pain. Vulvodynia is a pain in the area of the vulva and the pain can feel like a knife. It can be brought on with or without touch. Another kind of pain is Vaginismus, which is when the vagina tightens and it is painful to insert anything in it. It is a good start to speak with your OB-Gyn first.

I Have No Sex Drive, Is That Normal?

I spend a lot of time educating women about arousal and desire. Many times women need to be aroused in order to feel desire. It can take 20-45 minutes of foreplay to arouse a woman. There is a saying in taoist texts that men are fast to boil and women are slow to boil. We have a lot of erectile tissue that needs to fill with blood on our vulva’s. If you are stuck on what to do for foreplay, there are many suggestions in my book, “Conceiving with Love.”

Sex drive is also very personal. If you truly feel that something has changed, Chinese Medicine offers many solutions to boost your sexual energy.

How Do I Keep Intimacy Alive While We Are Doing IVF?

When you are doing a medicated IVF cycle, it can be hard to figure out when it is OK to have sex. Remember, intimacy doesn’t always have to do with sex and furthermore, sex isn’t always about intercourse.

Closeness, touch, communication, laughter, cuddling, playing games, and date night, are all ways to keep intimacy alive. Explaining to your partner about how you feel on hormones can help them to understand this process better. And then it also boils down to how you feel about yourself. When you are feeling bloated, and emotional, it might not be conductive to feeling like your sexy self. This is understandable, which brings me to my next question…

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I Don’t Feel Good About My Body, Especially After Doing Many Rounds of Fertility Drugs. What Can I Do?

Yes, we can all agree that fertility drugs and hormones (especially during IVF stimulation) don’t make you feel sexy, but often bloated. Since they say the biggest sex organ is between the ears, it might be good to do a little self-talk. I like to use the word ‘temporary’ for my body. I know it changes and I am not going to let the ups and downs of it get in the way of how I feel about myself.

Try wearing clothes, jewellery and possibly putting on essential oils that make you feel good. Love your body for the beautiful temple that it is.

Why Can’t My Partner Ejaculate In Me Or Get An Erection?

There are many reasons this can happen. Sometimes medications like SSRI’s make it more difficult to orgasm. Other times, men get so used to ejaculating with their hand that the vagina might not have the same friction that they are used to. It is possible to retain their masturbatory style but it will take some time. We also can’t rule out emotional issues that impede a man’s ability to fully let go or get an erection. Finding a good sex therapist is one solution. If there are other erectile dysfunction symptoms like the inability to always get an erection, a visit to a reproductive urologist might be prudent. Sometimes, erectile difficulties are an indication of heart disease. Some men feel so much pressure when it’s “the ovulation window” that they cant perform. In these cases, it might be better to not talk about your ovulation and have more sex throughout the month.

Related Article – Is Your Lubricant Affecting Your Sperm Motility?

Do I Need To Have An Orgasm To Conceive?

In truth, you don’t need to have an orgasm to get pregnant. However, there is a theory called the up-suck theory that says a good time to orgasm is after your partner’s ejaculated in you because the contractions help to suck up the sperm. This however, shouldn’t make you feel pressured, which is the antithesis of an orgasm. If you have never had an orgasm, it is never too late to learn. There are so many things to try including different touch, more clitoral stimulation (maybe with a vibrator), oral sex, or g-spot massage. Everyone is different and you can find out what you like with self-pleasure.

How Can I Learn More About This Topic?

If you want to take a deep dive into exploring your body, mind and spirit including your sexuality and how to get yourself fertile ready, you can find more information in my course, How to make a baby and have fun doing it. In this course, you will learn about your sexual anatomy, the physiology or arousal and desire, and your reproductive system.

I will give you exercises to do including Qi-gong, meditations and speak to you about herbs and supplements. You will journey through the 5-Elements with an emphasis on increasing your fertility and intimacy with your partner. Many have gone through this course and told me it has been invaluable information.

In the end, it is my mission to help as many women as possible by fertile and to not lose their loving connection with their partner.

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There are so many reasons behind infertility that it’s difficult to know if a fertility specialist has recommended the right fertility treatment for you, unless you are a fertility expert yourself. Unfortunately, many areas of fertility are ignored and fertility doctors can simply suggest the most commonly effective treatments, without considering more specific methods of holistic treatment.

If you would like to learn more about fertility, intimacy and taking your treatment methods into your own hands, then checkout the course, How to make a baby and have fun doing it.

Denise will be our guest in our upcoming free webinar ‘Taking Control of Your Relationship Whilst TTC’ at 12.30pm PST / 8.30pm UK on 26th August. Sign up and save a seat here.

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