The thorny (& emotionally charged) topic of comparing your kid to someone else’s

It’s tempting, isn’t it, to compare your kids with other people’s kids?

But how helpful is it really, to compare your child’s progress or behaviour against other children?  Does it do your kids any good?  Does it help you parent better?  Should you compare your child to other people’s children?  If not, how do you stop?

When I was a teacher, I often heard playground chatter about who was ‘top of the class’ and who was struggling.  The discussion wasn’t amongst children, but parents.

Parents can be very competitive when it comes to their child’s development, academic progress and talents. And this is natural. All parents want the best for their children and in some contexts it can be helpful to compare a child’s progress against their peers. Well, helpful to an extent – but mainly it will drive you bonkers.

Read on to find out when a comparison between children is helpful, and when it’s not, plus how to stop it becoming a toxic trait.

A little healthy comparison?

We’ve all been in situations where a little comparison has helped. When you were young, the girl next to you in the Sports Day race was running really fast. What did you do? You found the oomph to pick up the pace. How about when you were applying for jobs and the other candidate beat you to it? You found out how they clinched the job, embarked on a path of self-development and hey presto, the next job was yours!

That’s the strategy, anyway.

Comparison to others can be helpful when the comparison is of our own volition, is internalised and acts as an intrinsic motivator. Often, we feel so much worse when someone else overtly compares us with others – isn’t that the premise much of school bullying is based upon?

And whilst I’m not suggesting a parents’ comparison between their own child and other people’s children is a form of bullying, it can elicit similar responses in your child.

How social comparison can cause harm

As a parent, openly comparing children to others generally isn’t helpful. Doing so can:

• Undermine your child’s confidence in social situations – If Mum thinks Rocco is better at football than me, does Rocco think that too? Maybe it’s safer to avoid him in the playground.
• Harm friendships your child has worked hard to build – Dad said Mia got 9/10 in her spellings. I only got 4/10, so does that mean Mia won’t want to be friends with me anymore?
• Link to and impact your child’s other interests – Mum said she’ll stop my Judo classes if I don’t move up two book bands at school, but I love Judo and I’m nearly on my yellow belt!
• Encourage defeatism in your child – All Dad cares about is spellings. I’m never going to be as good at Mia, so why bother?
• Cause your child (and you!) undue stress – I’m practising phonics so hard but Mrs Crouch still isn’t moving me up a book band! Mum’s going to cancel Judo.
• Diminish your child’s self-esteem – Dad never says “well done” when I bring home a picture – he just asks me if it was ‘the best one’. He probably thinks I’m rubbish at drawing.

Sadly, these are not exaggerated responses. As a primary school teacher, I’ve heard variations of these scenarios from five-year-olds in my class on a regular basis.

The same issues occur when you compare siblings – comparison adds significantly to sibling rivalry. 

What to do instead of comparing your child to other people’s kids

1. Give lots of praise

Children can never have too much praise. Focus on your child and the effort they put in, not just the result.

• Yes, you can say “well done” for a 2/10 spelling test.
• Tell them you’re sure they tried their best, even if they didn’t. (This subtle, positive “guilt trip” encourages them to try harder next time. Take a teacher’s word for it…)
• Children who struggle with intrinsic motivation (the kind that isn’t tied to promises of a new PlayStation game or toy) respond far better to praise than reprimands.
• Praise the small things, even the tiny things if you have to. Eventually, you’ll be praising the Big Things.

2. If they’re up for it, talk about how to improve

Only do this when the moment calls for it.

• Don’t analyse every spelling test.
• Don’t dissect every playdate (even the closest friends bicker).
• Don’t critique every Little Singers showcase (they stood up and sang in front of adults – who cares if they were out of tune? That’s courage).

Keep the improvement points light and fewer in number than the positives. Otherwise, you’ll undo all that lovely praise you’ve just given.

3. Set realistic expectations and goals

Your son may never get 10/10 in his spellings, so set a more realistic target: maybe 5/10 for most of the term. If he beats this, give him a reward! Extrinsic motivation has its moments.

4. Appreciate your child’s strengths and talents

Success is so much broader than academics.

• Show genuine interest and wonder in how great your daughter is at skateboarding.
• Notice how talented your son is at being kind to everyone.

In families especially, children should be recognised for their idiosyncrasies and the unique things that make them them.

5. Help them develop their weaknesses

Dedicate time each week to:

• Practising spellings together (don’t leave them to do it alone).
• Reading with your child, encouraging them to sound out and blend the phonemes.
• Explicitly teaching acts of kindness or other aspects you’d like to work on, if needed.

A small step to save your sanity

When you spend less time comparing your child to other people’s kids, you’ll feel like a better parent and your relationship with your child will develop.  Ultimately, you and your child will be happier and feel more confident, as isn’t that what we want for our kids?