Fertility Toolkit for embracing the holiday season when you’re TTC

Trying to conceive during the holidays? We’ve got you

Christmas can feel challenging for all sorts of reasons. But, when trying to conceive during the holidays, even spending time with loved ones can feel like a stressful prospect.

From well-meaning questions about why you’re not drinking to seeing other people’s new babies, those of us on team TRB who’ve been there know that it can sometimes feel really difficult to cope with it all.

Watch us sit down with Marie Prince, Consultant Clinical Psychologist at TFP Fertility UK for her guidance on getting through the holiday season, when you need help to conceive.

From advice on enjoying parties and family events, and navigating those tricky questions to eating and drinking, she shares some super valuable tips for enjoying the festive period.

Whether you’re looking for emotional support or to get started on a treatment plan that’s completely dedicated to you, make TFP Fertility UK your go-to for truly personalised fertility care, in 2024.

Transcript

Eloise Edington

Hello, welcome! Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you for joining this very special Instagram Live, where we have the pleasure of chatting today with Marie Prince, who is a Consultant Clinical Psychologist at TFP Fertility UK.

This is an absolute must-watch, as she will be giving amazing advice and a toolkit for coping with, but embracing, the holiday season whilst you’re trying to conceive.

We know what a challenging time it is, so her wisdom and expertise are second to none, and she has some very insightful ways to navigate tricky conversations and to keep a positive and happy mindset whilst you’re perhaps struggling this holiday season.

We will invite her in now. We are just inviting Marie into our live, and then we can get started.

Hello, Marie! Hi, how are you?

Marie Prince

Okay, thank you. How are you?

Eloise Edington

Really good! I’m so pleased that the tech worked! It has worked! And as always, it’s absolutely lovely to see you. Thank you for joining me on this December evening.

Marie Prince

Great to be here; I’m delighted and looking forward to it.

Eloise Edington

I was just saying to those who are joining, this is a really important live tonight because, as we know, when you’re trying to conceive, the holiday season can be particularly challenging. I know that you have wonderful tips for really embracing that time to enjoy festivities. So, first of all, if you could please introduce yourself and your role at TFP Fertility UK, then we can start to talk about the topic today.

Marie Prince

Absolutely. I am Dr. Marie Prince, also known as the Fertility Psychologist, so that is my area of expertise. I have been working at TFP Fertility UK for a good seven or eight years, and I’m based up at their clinic in Glasgow. I’m hoping to see some of my local Glasgow folk on here this evening!

Eloise Edington

Great, great. I’d really like to understand, or for you to tell us a little bit about what you experience with the patients that you support at TFP Fertility UK, the challenges during the holiday season as we’re going up to Christmas. Why can it be particularly challenging at this time of year when you’re trying to conceive?

Marie Prince

Traditionally, Christmas was literally the celebration of the birth of a baby, and the way we’ve translated that in modern times is that Christmas is so centered around children and family.

If you are doing activities that aren’t family-centered, then they’re probably centered around alcohol and delicious but very indulgent food, which is also tricky if you’re trying to conceive.

There’s also the time when we set our resolutions in the New Year, don’t we? We think, “This is it. This will be the year that I become a parent. This will be the year it happens.” So, another Christmas rolling by where maybe that hasn’t happened, or it’s been really challenging over the year, really highlights to people that progression of time, and that can feel so tricky.

Then there’s often that pressure, isn’t there? “Well, Christmas is full of joy and magic and excitement!” Well, you know what? It’s not always.

Christmas is such a hard time for people, and one of the things I’d really like to get across today is it’s not hard because you’re doing anything wrong, or because you’re not coping well. It’s hard because it can be a really triggering time of year for people.

Eloise Edington

Absolutely, and I know we’re going to talk in a minute about some techniques and ways to really embrace and enjoy this period when things can seem challenging.

Also, social media can be difficult, can’t it, when you’re seeing reels of people with babies or Elf on the Shelf or whatever it might be? Again, as you said, it can be a reminder of what you were hoping for in a year that’s just gone.

Marie Prince

Yeah, and I don’t want to vilify social media; it’s so useful. But I would encourage everyone to really curate their social media.

A conversation I sometimes have with people is actually around, “Why don’t you have separate accounts?” One account where you never type the word “fertility,” you never type the word “baby” or “IVF” into the algorithm, and an account that is literally for fun stuff.

It’s for crafts or funny videos of cats falling over or whatever, so that you can still get some of the joy and fun from social media without some of the more triggering stuff.

And the other bit to remember is, how much of what we see on social media is completely real?

Eloise Edington

Good point, very good point. So, a pinch of salt when we’re viewing that, and just be cautious. Be aware if you are engaging with social media and all the benefits it brings, but be really conscious of how it’s making you feel. When it’s not feeling good, stop.

Absolutely, and it’s okay to put yourself first, isn’t it, and do what feels best for you in that moment?

Marie Prince

Yeah, and I wonder if this is going to be the theme of our conversation today, Eloise. We live in a society where people aren’t great at always putting their own needs first.

One of the questions I often say to people in clinic is, “What do you need right now?” So, coming up to Christmas, what are your needs? What are your preferences? What do you desire?

And the answer I usually get is, “I have no idea.”

So, there’s a pressure that people just kind of go along with the usual traditions, they go along with what they’ve always done with their friends and family, and actually, I would encourage people to really stop and think about what’s right for you. I think we’re going to touch on that loads this afternoon.

Eloise Edington

So, what advice would you give to people who want to spend time with loved ones but might be fearful about comments or what might come up, or triggers?

Marie Prince

Yeah, well, I think you just used a really interesting phrase—”loved ones.” If you are going to be surrounded by people that you feel really genuinely connected to, that will usually be a positive state of affairs to be in. However, there’s so much obligation at Christmas, isn’t there? You “have to” go and visit that person because we always have, and we see that group of friends from school because we always do. Actually, I wonder whether it’s really important that everybody focuses on surrounding themselves with people who really do nourish them—those relationships that feel true and authentic and positive. If you are with people that you trust and love, and they trust and love you, then I would really encourage you to go into these situations being clear about what you need, as I’ve already said. Then, tell people. You know, go and tell people, “This is how I’m doing today. This is how I’m feeling. It’s okay to ask me about the fertility journey today.” Or, oppositely, “Do you know what? Let’s keep it off the agenda today.” Go and tell people what you need. 

That can be really tricky if you’re with people who maybe you don’t feel completely comfortable with. I mean, hopefully, people aren’t spending Christmas with others where the relationships are incredibly difficult, but we know that that does happen. So, again, this comes back to really thinking through carefully who are those people in your support team, who are your cheerleaders, who are the people with whom you can go and enjoy yourself, relax, and not have to put on any sort of facade.

People who you might feel comfortable saying, “Do you know what? I need a break right now. I’m just going to go and take some time out.” Surround yourself with the right people. If you’re surrounded by people where relationships are a bit trickier, think carefully for yourself—how do you protect yourself? How do you make that as comfortable as possible for you?

Eloise Edington

So, if you’re invited to parties or things that you just don’t feel like going to, or you do feel like going to, what would you suggest there? Do you see patients that you’re speaking to with these kinds of dilemmas?

Marie Prince

Oh, all the time. And there’s two sides to this coin. So, one is, guys, if you don’t want to go, don’t go.

I often say to people, “Why would you put yourself through that?” If they walk into a situation and they know they’re going to be there with all their friends’ kids, and that just feels so difficult for them, go do something that makes you feel good. But there is a fine line between asserting your preferences and choices, which is super important, and actually just avoiding everything and everyone.

Unfortunately, some people really feel that sense of almost shame and stigma around it, and they don’t want to see people.

Sometimes it’s so easy to get into a habit of focusing on all the difficult parts and not remembering that so often I’ve thought, “Oh, God, I really don’t want to go to whatever it is,” and then actually I’ve gone, and I’ve had quite a nice time.

So yes, you do you—always—and be really mindful of when you might be avoiding a situation purely because we’re catastrophizing, looking at the worst-case scenario, and not stepping back to see what else could happen.

Maybe that actually could be a really nice party; I might catch up with people, I might meet new people. So, assert your boundaries and be aware of your own tendencies when it comes to avoiding situations and why that might be.

Eloise Edington

Love that—such good advice. Also, would you say that it’s—well, we talked about finding your people.

Would you encourage people to talk about what they’re going through? Do you feel that there are some people who want to keep things to themselves and keep it private, while for others, it’s a release to be able to talk about what’s going on?

Marie Prince

So you’re talking to a psychologist, so clearly I believe in talking, the power of that.

However, there are two camps of people: those who want to, you know, heart on sleeve, tell everyone everything, and those on the opposite end of the spectrum who don’t want to tell anyone anything.

It’s entirely up to you what feels the most comfortable way for you to be. But I often see people who get really annoyed when someone doesn’t ask how they are or doesn’t acknowledge that they might be struggling, or asks a really clumsy, insensitive question.

But that person didn’t know you were going through a fertility journey. That person didn’t know the kind of year you’d had and how rough it had been, and that really contributes to that feeling of isolation that people have.

So I’m often—this may sound a bit harsh—but I’m saying, “Come on, you’ve got to give people a bit of grace.

If you don’t tell them what’s going on, you can’t expect them to handle that sensitively.” I would say, let’s put the ball back in our court, take control of that, and think clearly about what is okay for me to share, what feels comfortable, and what is completely off the table.

Then you can take control of that situation. You can share what you do and don’t want, and really think about who are the people I want to ask me how I’m doing, who are the people I want to share the reality with, and who are the people I just want to giggle with, who I don’t want this to be a topic of conversation with—we’ll just chat utter nonsense all night and have a real laugh.

We need all those people in our support network.

Eloise Edington

Absolutely, completely agree.

With patients that you speak to at TFP Fertility UK, do you find people relish a community of others who are going through similar things, to share those feelings and not feel isolated, like they’re the only ones feeling this way, especially at this time of year?

Marie Prince

Absolutely. It still astounds me how many people say, “I don’t know anyone who’s been through this. My friends don’t understand, my family doesn’t understand.”

I’m always encouraging people—even if it’s on social media—to go and find your community, go and find your network, join The Ribbon Box, join the TFP Fertility UK Facebook groups and Instagrams.

Go find your tribe. It’s often much easier to talk to someone you don’t know because you’re not invested in that relationship. They don’t have to worry about what I’ve got going on in my life. They’re not managing the feelings of the other person if it’s an online community.

Absolutely, get out there, find your tribe, find your place where people really get it, and you have that shared experience.

I think that contributes to our resiliency. We don’t want to be going to our family and friends and telling them everything that’s going on.

Instead, we boost our resiliency, get that off our chest, emotionally process some of what’s going on, and then we can go focus on, “Right, okay, let’s do the Christmas thing today,” or whatever it is at the social event.

Eloise Edington

Absolutely. This is such sound advice. If anyone wants to ask Mar any questions as we’re going through, please do.

This is what we’re here for today. Can you tell us a bit more about the emotional support offered at TFP Fertility UK? You just mentioned the Facebook group, for example.

Marie Prince

Yes, absolutely. Primarily, all staff are trained to understand how difficult this journey can be and how worthwhile and rewarding it is.

I feel confident you’ll walk into any clinic and get a warm and person-centered approach. Every clinic has access to fertility counselors and psychologists—every single clinic. I’m always astounded at how many people don’t use that service.

You have access to specialized fertility counselors and psychologists at every TFP clinic. Please go and use it! A lot of people come to me and say, “I don’t really know why I’m here.” Well, we never sit in silence; there’s always something to focus on. Please use your support, use the Facebook groups and Instagram pages where you can connect with other people.

I feel passionate that everybody should have access to professional support when they’re on a fertility journey.

We know it can be hugely stressful; a huge number of people struggle with their mental health as they’re trying to conceive. So please use the supports that are available to you through TFP UK.

Eloise Edington

Absolutely. For anyone interested in finding out more, please head to our link in bio to have a personalized chat and speak with the team ready to help and support, especially now. I’d suggest people do that at this time of year.

Yes, tricky questions. From polls we’ve done with the community and conversations we’ve had, tricky questions can come up that can be triggering during this time of year, like, “When are you going to have a baby?” or light-hearted jokes, probably from people who may not know what you’re going through and don’t realize the impact that comment has had on you. How do you navigate those tricky questions, especially in public?

Marie Prince

I think there’s something important about trying to prepare for that. Maybe it sounds a bit overly negative of me to say, but almost expect those questions to come up.

You know your friends and family, and it’s such a common thing. I imagine I’ve done it at times, asking, “Oh, do you have children?” and not thinking about how painful that question might be for someone. So I’d encourage you all to think about what you want to share.

There’s a technique I really like and tell all my clients about called the “broken record” technique.

If you’re not someone who’s going to tell everyone everything because it feels too painful, practice your line, the thing you want to say. For the person who says, “Oh, so when are you having a baby?” you might say, “I don’t know.” It doesn’t matter what the line is, but use it, stick to it, and don’t deviate.

People will say, “Oh, you must have thought about it,” or follow up with other questions. Stick to your one line, the one thing you want to say: “I don’t want to talk about that,” or “It’s off the table,” or “Oh, you don’t want to know, let’s move on.”

If you repeat the same thing two or three times, people quickly get the message: they’re not giving me any more information here, so I may as well move on. 

That’s a specific technique I like. It’s also worth remembering that, most of the time, people aren’t asking those questions to intentionally be cruel.

The question itself or the person asking isn’t the root of the strong emotional reaction. The situation is. That’s why it’s easy in those moments to feel so emotional, so frustrated, and even tempted to throw that frustration at the other person.

But that’s not the root of what’s going on. So, if you can, do some groundwork before going into those situations. That way, you don’t feel like a rabbit in headlights, which just makes you feel more anxious and uncomfortable. Do the groundwork, think about what you’re willing to say, the line you want to use, and stick to that.

Also, don’t be afraid to leave a conversation. Don’t worry about appearing rude; you can exit a conversation. Just have your line: “I just need to check something,” or “I just need to go speak to someone,” and exit stage left if you need to.

This is about thinking about what’s right for you and knowing you have control over that. You can make choices to support yourself and prioritise you over the other person.

Eloise Edington

Earlier this year, I had a chemical pregnancy, and at the exact same time, my sister had a baby, which was obviously amazing.

But it meant that our family WhatsApp group was flooded with newborn pictures, and I found that quite difficult at the time. So I just had to say, “Guys, I’m just going to remove myself temporarily, and then I will be back in my own time,” and they respected that.

Have you heard of people in those situations with messaging and things like that?

Marie Prince

Absolutely. Full respect to you, Eloise, because that’s something I would encourage people to do: tell people that this is too difficult a space for you to be in right now.

Tell people that you just need to remove yourself for a while while you heal, and you’ll be back. What often happens is people just leave the WhatsApp group or stop responding to the messages, and it can really create conflict in relationships.

That’s not what the person wanted, but actually it’s about recognising that the space is just too painful for me to be in.

If you keep exposing yourself to that, you’re adding suffering to a situation that is already tricky and painful. So it’s managing those boundaries warmly, kindly, and lovingly but putting ourselves at the centre of what we need.

If you’ve got a group of friends, and it’s, you know, every morning the “Elf on the Shelf” type chat, maybe you don’t need to wake up to that every day. I would encourage you to then just speak your truth.

This is, “You know, I love you all dearly, however, this is really difficult for me.” It might even be that you just tell a couple of people you’re particularly close with and ask them to pass the message on when you’re out of the group. Use the support and people around you.

What I often find is that it makes people feel so vulnerable to say, “This is what I really want and it’s not happening.” People blame themselves, feel critical, or just don’t like feeling vulnerable in front of others.

But what I see time and again is that when people are brave and have that conversation with their friends or tell their family what they need, they come back and say it went far better than they expected. People often respond by asking, “How can we help?”

Eloise Edington

That’s really good to hear. It would be lovely to hear from those watching about their experiences.

The advice you’re giving is just perfect for so many people, where it is a struggle at the moment, and we want to embrace this time that everyone knows and loves as a festive period.

I think one of the other comments, and I know we’re going to talk about this now, is kind of eating and drinking over the festive period. As you said, Christmas is all about that for a lot of people, especially when you’re going to parties or gatherings; it’s sort of the central focus.

I remember one of those tricky questions being, “Why aren’t you drinking? Are you pregnant?” which, again, can be triggering. What would be your advice there?

Marie Prince

I’m not a dietitian, so I’m not going to give specific advice around food, but for me, this comes back to choice and boundaries.

You can do whatever you want, and that’s really important. If you feel it’s key for you to eat and drink a certain way, and you want to continue that over the festive period without indulging, then don’t.

I would encourage you to really connect to the reasons why you want to eat and drink the way you choose, likely because you want to feel fit, healthy, and in control to give yourself the best chance of trying to conceive. At the same time, I encourage a little flexibility.

I’m definitely an “everything in moderation” type person. If it feels okay for you, maybe relax a little bit. Allow yourself to eat some foods you wouldn’t typically eat because it can give you a sense of relaxation, satisfaction, and connection with family. Sharing a meal at Christmas with people you love is really key for so many of us.

So on one hand, “you do you.” Don’t feel like you have to stick to other people’s agenda when it comes to eating and drinking. At the same time, I would encourage a little flexibility and to not beat yourself up if you have a drink or eat something you wouldn’t typically eat. Isn’t that a message for all of us: to drop the self-criticism and dial up the self-compassion and self-love?

Moving away from fertility treatments, when people want to control what they eat and drink, I understand the rationale for that. But if you contrast that with people who may have conceived very easily, were they managing every single morsel that went into their mouth? Were they definitely not drinking alcohol for three months before they conceived? Probably not.

For me as a psychologist, not a dietitian, controlling our eating and drinking is more about trying to impose a sense of control over a fertility journey that we really don’t have a lot of control over.

Allow yourself to think, “What would feel good in my body today? What would make today a festive day? What would make it enjoyable?” I’m not endorsing that we all go crazy on the Baileys and mince pies, but there is no scientific research that tells you eating some mince pies is going to affect your ability to conceive. A little bit tongue-in-cheek, but I encourage flexibility and lots of self-compassion.

Eloise Edington

Absolutely love that. What do you think about journaling?

Marie Prince

Love journaling! Just a couple of weeks ago, a new study by Pennebaker came out. I’m an advocate of journaling for a couple of reasons. It’s a great way to process emotions and get things out of your mind and body onto the page.

The act of writing keeps your frontal lobes engaged, which helps you take perspective.

So as you’re journaling, you can think, “No, get rid of that; that doesn’t matter,” and you can clarify what you’re trying to manage. This recent Pennebaker study from 2023 now gives us solid evidence: journaling for 15 minutes once a week on a topic that feels difficult reduces self-reported stress, improves sleep, and overall well-being. 

Although I’ve always known journaling is beneficial, we now have quality evidence that 15 minutes weekly is impactful. Just put your pen to paper and let it flow—no need to spell properly, write neatly, or even read it back.

Write about what causes you stress and worry, and once a week, just 15 minutes, can make a big difference.

If you head to my Instagram, fertility.psychologist, I have three fertility prompts in the link in my bio. Use them, sit down, and let it flow.

Eloise Edington

Someone just said they tried to start journaling, then stopped, and now find it difficult to get back into. Any hints on how to get back into it?

Marie Prince

Think about how often we’ve started the gym or meditation, then stopped. That’s completely normal, and it doesn’t matter if you’re struggling to get back into it. Maybe journal on why you’re finding it hard. Ask yourself, “What’s the block? Why don’t I want to do this?” Before you know it, you’ll be journaling again. 

Journaling forces us to slow down, which can be difficult to do. Some days, you don’t feel like writing anything; other days, you feel like writing more.

A lot of people feel pressure to do it every morning or list 10 things they’re grateful for every night. If that feels good, then do it. I often journal very briefly on a Monday morning when I’m getting back into work mode, and it shifts my focus to gratitude.

There’s no pressure; you don’t have to do this every day. Start small, maybe scribble one thing on a sticky note, and work your way up. You don’t have to dive into a daily practice or the full 15 minutes.

Eloise Edington

Thank you so much, Marie. Now, looking ahead to the New Year, what tips do you have for keeping positive? Many people think of New Year’s resolutions. What do you think about the New Year?

Marie Prince

I think the figure is something like 98% of us lose our resolutions by January 3. It’s dark, it’s winter, and it’s a time for more quiet and downtime after Christmas.

I’m not a fan of resolutions because they often feel like pressure, setting high standards that can enhance a sense of failure.

Instead, I encourage people to develop their own toolkit. If you go to my Thinkific school, there’s a free template with scientifically backed strategies around sleep, access to daylight, nourishing and moving your body, decent nutrition, managing stress, journaling, gratitude, meditation, and yoga.

This is about getting clear on what helps you. If you’re on a fertility journey, it’s stressful. So forget resolutions and focus on what helps you cope and nourishes your soul, improves your mood, reduces anxiety, and boosts resilience for whatever 2024 brings.

Eloise Edington

Love that. I wish I could have leaned on your expertise throughout my fertility struggles, and I’m sure those watching agree this has been an insightful session.

I encourage everyone to reach out to the team at TFP Fertility UK in 2024 for personalized, supportive, holistic fertility care. This psychological support is crucial, no matter where you are in your journey.

Marie Prince

Thank you for having me. I want everyone to prioritise themselves.

Today, ask yourself, “What can I do in the next 30 minutes for me and only me?” Do that, and look after yourselves.

Eloise Edington

Thank you so much, and thank you to everyone who joined today or who’s watching the replay. We look forward to speaking again in the New Year.

Want more mental health tips from Dr. Marie Prince?

Read this next (and hit bookmark for the Christmas season): How do I get through the holidays? A psychologist’s survival guide (think boundaries and self-compassion)