We talk all things donor sperm selection, with an LGBT couple

The LGBT couple donor sperm selection experience — what to know

What’s it really like navigating fertility treatment and donor conception as a same-sex couple?

TRB Founder Eloise sat down with Melissa (@missyhalle), her partner Kim, and their gorgeous baby Breslin, for an open and emotional chat about the decisions, challenges, and joy that shaped their family-building journey.

In partnership with California Cryobank, the donor bank that supported both of their paths to parenthood, we talk through the process of selecting a donor, how their experiences compared, and the advice they’d give to other LGBTQ+ parents-to-be.

Watch as we cover:

• How they chose a donor (and what really mattered)

• What surprised them about the process

• The emotional ups and downs of fertility treatment

• Their advice for other same-sex couples just starting out

• What baby Breslin has brought to their world

Looking for a donor?

Use code RIBBON24 at checkout to get a free Level 3 subscription (worth $250) to California Cryobank’s donor database — packed with extended profiles and insights to help you make the right choice.

Transcript

Eloise

Hello, good afternoon to everyone, and good morning to those in America. I’m speaking with Missy Hall today, who recently welcomed a beautiful baby girl through donor conception. She is sharing her story with us today, talking about what it’s like to create a family and navigate conception as a same-sex couple. Be sure to have your questions ready, as Missy will not only share her journey but also offer valuable advice on things to consider, how to navigate the process, and what it’s like to choose a sperm donor.

We’ll also discuss the tools they used for tracking fertility before treatment, treatment plan options, and how they were supported by their sperm bank in selecting their donor. Missy will share insights on all of these aspects. Let me check if she’s here so we can get started. It’s lovely to see everyone today. Hi, how are you?

Melissa 

It’s wonderful to see you! 

Eloise

Congratulations on your new addition! 

Melissa 

Yes, I have a very hungry little one who just woke up from a nap. 

Eloise

Thank you for sharing your story with us today. We’ll be talking about the journey you took, especially your experience with California Cryobank and how you found the donor for your family. Can you start by telling us a little about you and your journey?

Melissa 

We live in Cleveland, and I started as a content creator back in 2020, during the pandemic. When we got married in 2020, we knew we wanted to start a family. As we looked into the process, we decided to work with California Cryobank because they had the largest selection of donors that met our criteria. 

We wanted a donor who would reflect either of our ethnicities, and we ultimately chose a Korean donor to match my wife’s ethnicity. They just had the most options, so that’s how we got started on our donor journey.

Eloise

It’s great to have this conversation, as my husband and I also used California Cryobank for our family, so we share that experience. How did you and your wife start your journey to parenthood? Did you feel there was enough information available to help you take those first steps?

Melissa

Kim definitely jump-started our journey. I’ll let her fill you in on that part.

Kim 

When we first met, we were both in our mid-30s, and we knew we both wanted to get married and have kids. That was the first question we asked each other on our first date—if you don’t want to have kids, there was no point in moving forward romantically. After we got engaged, I asked Melissa, “What’s your timeline for having kids?” 

At that point, we were already older, and I was calculating the years, and suddenly, we were at a wall. I asked her, “How much time do you think you have? It may not work on the first try.” That really lit a fire under us to move as quickly as possible, because we didn’t know how involved the process would actually be.

Melissa 

We realized there wasn’t much information available about what the journey looked like for same-sex couples. From what we knew, the general options were IUI, IVF, and at the time, we didn’t even know about ICI or reciprocal IVF. 

Kim 

We didn’t know about all the options available, and we had to consider everything from least invasive to most invasive, and least expensive to most expensive. 

Eloise

So did you start with fertility tests, or did you jump straight into finding a sperm bank?

Melissa 

We started with fertility tests, but we actually switched healthcare systems. Initially, the healthcare provider just suggested we track ovulation and choose a donor. I was surprised they didn’t do any fertility testing. They didn’t check my hormone levels, and we were required to go for counseling with a therapist to get clearance for using a third-party donor, which is standard in Ohio. 

But other than that, there was no check on my fertility. Luckily, I had already done genetic testing through 23andMe, so I knew about my genetic background. When we were looking for donors, we chose California Cryobank for the large selection, and we decided to use the extended background screening for the donors, which I think is an excellent feature. It lets you see genetic traits that might affect any offspring.

Eloise

I have a code for anyone interested in looking for a donor—W0316UKC. It’s worth $250 and lets you search through the full database with access to all the filters.

That’s really helpful. Did you find the process overwhelming at all when you were searching for a donor?

Kim 

Yes, it was definitely overwhelming. We knew we wanted our child to reflect both of us ethnically, so we chose a donor who was full Korean to reflect my wife’s ethnicity. We also filtered based on education, as I wanted our child to mirror me intellectually since I wouldn’t be genetically related. It was important to us that our child would share some of my personality traits. 

We chose a donor with a background in public service, which felt like a good fit since I’m a nurse, and I do a lot of travel nursing, especially during the COVID pandemic. We were able to read interviews and essays the donor had written, which helped us get a better sense of his personality and how he viewed the world. It was really great to find someone who did that as well. He’s adventurous, having backpacked across Europe by himself. We got to hear a lot of interviews he’d done and read essays he’d written. He was very well-educated and expressed himself well. 

Ultimately, we felt like he was a really good fit, both in terms of personality and ethnic background. 

Melissa 

I think that was one thing that we loved about California Cryobank, that they offered all of this. We were able to read the essays, hear his voice, and get a sense of how he navigates the world. We felt like we got everything we wanted in terms of finding the closest match to reflect our family.

Eloise

Amazing. In terms of psychological support, was that important to you prior to selecting a donor and starting the process? 

Melissa 

Are you referring to the therapy appointment we had to have in order to use the donor? 

Eloise

Yes. 

Melissa 

Before meeting with the therapist, I was annoyed that we had to pass a checklist to grow our family, especially when there are people who get pregnant accidentally without any requisite education or counseling. But after sitting down with the therapist, I really feel like it was valuable. She brought up topics we hadn’t thought about, such as the possibility of our child dating a sibling or realizing that they have a donor sibling nearby. She helped us think about how to have that conversation and when. She also brought up how other people aren’t having that conversation and how that might affect our child. It was helpful to get insight on how to navigate those conversations. We had already planned on explaining to our daughter, as we thought she’d figure it out genetically, but I think it was helpful to hear professional advice.

Eloise

What advice would you give to people, especially same-sex couples, who are selecting a donor? 

Kim 

I think the number one thing is to figure out whether you want your child to resemble one parent more than the other. That needs to be part of the conversation. After that, we individually searched and picked our top three donors that we felt a connection with. Then, we compared our selections and narrowed it down. Ultimately, we chose the one we both agreed on. It was a good approach, and I’d recommend it. 

Melissa 

I would say to figure out what is important to you. For us, balancing our ethnicities was important, so we started by looking for a Korean donor. Education was also a big factor because we wanted our child to mirror us intellectually. I’d recommend having those conversations early, even if it means writing down what’s most important to you and narrowing it down. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed with so many options, so figuring out your priorities really helps.

Eloise

When selecting a donor, it felt like a bittersweet experience because my husband is infertile. We were looking for someone who reflected some of his characteristics and appearance. Obviously, we couldn’t find someone exactly like him, but we were fortunate to have the support of California Cryobank. They were instrumental in helping us decide how many vials to consider, what kind of vials to use with IVF, and how to navigate the selection process. It took time, and we had to circle back to ensure we felt comfortable. In the end, we chose the donor my husband had wanted from the beginning.

Have you thought about having a sibling for your child? Was that something you though about when selecting your donor?

Melissa 

Yes, we still have vials remaining from the donor we used. Before my delivery, I was certain we’d want a sibling. But after a very traumatic birth, including an emergency cesarean and preeclampsia, I think I’m tapping out.

Eloise

We still have one embryo left, and my husband and I are undecided on what to do with it. It’s a big decision.

Did you use any other services from California Cryobank, like embryo preservation or cord blood storage? Both of which sound very interesting.

Melissa 

We only had one embryo. We went from 14 eggs to one embryo, and I am holding said embryo as a baby. So we were really lucky and didn’t have to use any storage. We used the cord blood registry and storage. 

Eloise

And what does that mean for the cord blood?

Melissa 

What I loved was how many different diseases maintaining the cord blood and storing it can actually treat. If Breslin ends up with any blood diseases or cancer, we can treat it, obviously with stem cells, which are very effective in helping treat things that may arise down the line. And if we do decide to have a sibling for her, it’s something that could be applied there as well. It was really important to us to do everything we could to protect our daughter.

Kim

Cryobank was really great too because they sent this whole kit. The providers at the hospital knew exactly what to do with it. We just said, “Hey, we have this kit,” and when the time came, they were able to save the cord blood and the actual cord tissue. There’s a number on the box, and you just call. They send a courier to wherever you are to pick it up, and then they send it off to be put on ice and stored away. It was a very simple process.

Eloise

I regret not doing that. It’s great that you knew about it and were empowered to make that decision. 

Melissa 

They made it very easy, especially with everything going on in the hospital postpartum. The last thing you want to think about is coordinating shipping, but they made it so simple for us. We were very grateful that we were able to have it.

Eloise

Have you recovered okay now?

Melissa 

Recovery was really rough for the first couple of weeks at home with limited mobility, but I’m fantastic now. The memory fades as time goes on, so my answer may change.

Eloise

I have really enjoyed watching your pregnancy evolve, especially since we had a loss together years ago. I think during COVID, when you had a failed cycle before? 

Melissa 

I had two failed IUI cycles the last time we spoke. Looking back, I’m not sure if it was after our IVF cycle or during it, but it’s really great to be back with you, holding this baby.

Kim 

It’s crazy how much time and energy it took. By the time I got home, it was literally time for the transfer. I was like, “What happened?” And now, fast forward a year, and we have this two-month-old.

Eloise

Do you feel like you had a good support network during this time?

Kim

Oh, for sure. 

Melissa 

We’ve got such a large amount of chosen family. I talk a lot on my platform about the importance of that because we don’t have biological family close by, and a lot of our biological family isn’t very supportive. So, we’ve been so fortunate to have had so many people step in as aunts and uncles that are close to our daughter. We’ve been really blessed by that.

Eloise

I love that. We talked a bit about going back to the fertility part. You know, being told to track and monitor your fertility, which I’m sure many people watching can relate to. After a couple of rounds of IUI, and when it didn’t work, how did you pick yourselves up?

Kim 

I remember the second IUI. Melissa had come with me because I had taken a job in DC. She came the weekend before so we could explore DC together. It was Mother’s Day weekend, and we had done the transfer, or the IUI, the week before. 

Melissa was getting these feelings like, “I think I might be pregnant,” and she wanted to take the test on Mother’s Day. If it was positive, it would be such a blessing. It ended up being negative, and I watched her self-shatter. It was really emotional. I think that was the hardest part was watching her crumble. All I could do was hug her and be there for her in that moment.

Melissa 

Shortly after that, I found out that our company was changing insurance coverage to include IVF, and that was the silver lining. We now had coverage if we wanted to pursue IVF, which has a higher success rate. We went ahead, and my consultation was just three days after they announced the coverage. We jumped on the IVF train, gave it everything we had, and were very fortunate because as we all know, IVF doesn’t always equal a baby. It doesn’t always work, but we were very fortunate.

Eloise

Did you change clinics?

Melissa 

Yes, we did. The entire hospital system. I just didn’t feel like our first hospital system did sufficient testing, and I wanted to have a more involved healthcare system. Even for my first consultation, they ran blood work, and were like, “Let’s go ahead and see what your uterus looks like.” I jokingly said, “You’re not even going to buy me dinner and a drink first?” But they were thorough from the start, and I felt like we were on the right path.

Eloise

That’s really good. So, did you have an ERA test and a mock cycle done?

Melissa 

Yes, we did. We went from 14 eggs to two embryos to one embryo. We had a very frank conversation with our reproductive endocrinologist. He said, “Am I saying you need the ERA? No. But if you don’t do it and the transfer doesn’t work, are you going to regret not doing it?” And I thought, “Oh my goodness, I’d be stuck in a cycle of self-loathing if I didn’t do it.” So, we did the mock cycle, and it came back that my uterus was great—a very hospitable five-star hotel—and we were able to schedule the transfer the following month. It worked, and I’m glad we did it.

Eloise

Thank you so much for being open about your journey today.

Melissa 

Absolutely!

Eloise

If anyone is looking for a sperm donor, check out California Cryobank. The link is in the bio. All three of us have used them to build our families. They’re offering our readers $250 worth of subscription to search all their donors.

What information did you get from your donor?

Melissa 

We didn’t get an adult photo of our donor because he opted not to share it, but we got everything else, including voice recordings, characteristics, medical background, and family history. 

Kim 

It’s really worth getting the higher package because we got to see so much of who our donor was, including baby photos and some childhood photos. It’s been interesting to look at those as our daughter gets older and start seeing some of those facial features and characteristics come out. I think there were a couple of childhood photos, which really helped. Now that she’s getting bigger and older, we can start to see some of those facial features and characteristics come through.

Eloise

Because we’re talking about children and their conception, it does kind of go in one ear and out the other since they’re still quite young. You think you’ve had the conversation, and then the next time you speak, you’ll talk about it again. But it’s been really interesting to look at our donor’s baby, and not just baby, but childhood photos because we’re starting to see some resemblances. We’ve had conversations about different traits and characteristics, and it’s been really interesting.

So, for anyone watching who’s navigating this journey, no matter how they’re doing it, what would be your three top pieces of advice?

Melissa 

Remember to give yourself some grace going through the process. It is lengthy and arduous, no matter which path you’re taking—ICI, IUI, IVF. Give yourself grace, and lean into your partner because sometimes these things can pull you apart, but they can also bring you together. That would be my number one piece of advice.

Kim 

Mirroring off of that, communication became so important—extra important, I think, during this process, because the hormones themselves are enough to make anybody crazy. And when you’re not experiencing them yourself, it’s hard to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand what they’re going through. For the person going through the process, whatever route you choose, it’s important to convey what you’re feeling, kindly and respectfully, because your partner doesn’t always know what that feels like.

For the partner, it’s equally important to tell your birthing partner how this is impacting you because they may not always be able to see beyond their own experience.

Eloise

Fantastic advice. Thank you for sharing your journey with us today. I really appreciate it, and it was lovely to see you again.

Melissa 

I was lovely to see you again!

Eloise

Bye! 

Want to hear more from California Cryobank?

Read this next: How to create a wider support network for your donor-conceived family