The hardest decision – what to do with remaining embryos

One subject you don’t hear talked about much in the TTC (trying to conceive) community is when to stop IVF (there’s no definitive answer, we promise).

When do you decide your family is complete? And with the financial clock ticking on frozen embryo storage, how on earth do you make that call? Imagining these little ‘frosties’ running around as potential siblings makes the decision even harder, especially after everything involved in fertility treatment to create them.

I (TRB founder, Eloise) haven’t yet fully vocalised this personal conundrum (more to come on that). But in the meantime, we wanted to explore it with a leading voice in the fertility space, the wonderful Natalie Silverman, Founder and Co-host of The Fertility Podcast.

Over to Natalie.

Donating to science

Making the decision to donate our frozen embryos to science was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, so far. Even writing about it is something I’ve put off, because it makes me feel numb and sad, and I’ve been trying to protect myself. Yesterday my son turned five and today, as I write this, I’m heading to my fertility clinic to make a video with them about this exact decision. I’ll be speaking to the fertility counsellor who helped us navigate the process and the Director of Science about what actually happens to our embryos.

What I’m about to write might trigger emotions for you, so please don’t read on if you’re feeling vulnerable about where you are on your trying-to-conceive journey.

The truth is, I know in my heart that I wanted to have more than one more child, but that wasn’t to be our reality. We had successful treatment in 2015, and welcomed our son Phoenix, who is now five. Phoenix has been an incredible influence in our lives. He’s the reason I created The Fertility Podcast, which I launched once successfully pregnant after ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection).

Over the last two years, I’ve been struggling with what to do with our three frozen embryos, all while being deeply immersed in the TTC community both on- and offline. Creating The Fertility Podcast has been, in some ways, my therapy. I’ve been lucky to speak to so many people about the issues we face throughout infertility. But it has also been a challenge to remain so close to the community while making this decision. I’ve watched people discuss FETs and share pregnancy news, and I’ve also had a lot of conversations about the emotional weight of secondary infertility.

So what did I do? I sought out professional help to work through the decision, something I highly, highly recommend if you’re struggling with any part of this process, especially this one.

Feelings of guilt

My husband and I both have siblings, and the guilt I carry about our son not having a brother or sister is immense. It shows up in different ways – the conversations at the school gates since Phoenix started school in September 2019, the storylines I see on TV. The other day, I watched a scene where two sisters in their 40s mourned the loss of their mother together. I was instantly hit with sadness that Phoenix won’t have that shared support when the inevitable happens.

I had ‘implications counselling’ to help work through the process of donating our embryos to science, after already speaking to a fertility counsellor for six months. She told me it was something my fertility clinic should offer for free, so I contacted them and they did support me. I know every clinic works differently, but they should all offer some level of support for every major decision you’re facing.

My husband didn’t really want to talk about any of this at first. Interestingly, that has since changed. I think something shifted for him as a result of the decision we ultimately made.

I don’t want to go into the reasons we chose not to pursue further treatment, because they are personal, but the decision was predominantly financial and that really does make me sad. A friend once said to me, “What if you just fell pregnant naturally? You’d cope, right?” And yes, of course we would. But that wasn’t the situation we were in.

Letting go

When you make the decision to donate your embryos to science, you have to accept that there will be grief. You will feel sad. You will cry. You’ll still get blindsided by things on social media. Pregnant tummies you thought no longer triggered you will suddenly be everywhere again.

But knowing you’re doing something that could help someone else becomes the one grounding, comforting thought in an otherwise painful and almost impossible decision. Someone told me I needed to be “100% sure” before going ahead, but even after two years of thinking about it, I wasn’t. I was almost there. Sometimes, “almost there” is enough.

Once you tell your clinic this is what you want to do, the process starts: the paperwork, then more paperwork, with each form essentially asking, are you sure? It’s heartbreaking all over again. When we finally sent the letter back confirming our decision, I felt strongly that I needed to mark that moment with my husband.

We went to the beach and cast three white roses out to sea. Of course, they came floating back to us, almost like they were saying, hang on, we’re still here. So I placed them gently in the sand and walked away, tears rolling again.

When I turned back, I saw a woman with her family crouch down to photograph the roses. She was capturing something beautiful. Just like our embryos going to science to help others, I knew that image of the roses was bringing someone else a small moment of joy.

It ended up making a lovely Insta shot on my own feed, too.

What’s next

Since making the decision, I’ve completed my qualification as a Freedom Fertility Specialist. I now help support people with their emotional wellbeing and mental health, working one-on-one and in groups. We use a powerful blend of fertility counselling, coaching and mindset tools to help them build a daily self-care strategy.

I can honestly say I’m in a much stronger place.