After a negative pregnancy test – how not to spiral

One thing I didn’t talk about that much during my conception journeys, was just. how. many pregnancy tests I took – and the rollercoaster of emotions and anxieties a small plastic stick can bring.

It’s totally reasonable that most of those tests would end up negative, but at the time – the heart-stopping disappointment of each reveal was incredibly tough on my heart and resilience.

We see people celebrating a BFP (big fat positive) in all sorts of content, and when our experience doesn’t match that easy joy (because it always looks easy), it can leave us feeling anxious, and utterly heartbroken. Many of us have been there: desperate to see those two lines for the first time ever. Or perhaps, after experiencing loss, even seeing a positive test doesn’t bring excitement. It triggers fear that something might go wrong.

A pregnancy test can itself stir a whirlwind of anxiety, especially during the two-week wait after fertility treatment. The anticipation can become all-consuming. Having experienced this myself, I know how intense it can be.

We need perspective and really specific guidance, here. We picked up with the wonderful Alice Rose – fertility advocate and podcast host – who runs mindfulness courses for those navigating a fertility journey, sharing ideas on how to hold onto hope.

How does it feel?

‘I’m numb, like my body has failed me yet again.’

‘Heartbroken, empty, angry, sick, distraught.’

‘Devastated.’

‘Like an idiot.’

‘Foolish for thinking it would ever be positive.’

‘Lump in my stomach, rock in my mouth that I can’t swallow, hopeless, heartbroken.’

‘Devastated, angry with all the time, money, emotions, and effort wasted.’

‘Will it ever happen, what happens if it doesn’t; what did I do wrong?’

‘Earth-shattering.’

‘Like I’m falling backwards. Back to the starting line again.’

‘Like the little light of hope has been blown out.’

‘Like the earth has dropped from under me. I don’t know whether to give in or try and find solid ground.’

‘Like I’ve been broken in two.’

‘Crushed. Angry. What’s wrong with my body?’

‘Grief for what won’t be…’

These are just a small fraction of the responses I received on Instagram when I asked followers how it felt to see a negative pregnancy test.

I relate to every one of these feelings – the physical, visceral, gut-wrenching emptiness – the pain, the shame, the fear, the heart-sinking grief.

Because that’s what it is: grief. And what makes it harder is that the wider world often doesn’t understand. The well-meaning, “Ah well, you can try again next month,” from friends or family (if you choose to confide in them) rarely captures the enormity of what you’re dealing with, month after month, maybe year after year.

Here are my thoughts on how to cope

First of all, I’d invite you to consider reducing the number of pregnancy tests you take. I know many people like to test as soon as possible after fertility treatment, or after trying to conceive naturally. But there are a few reasons why it might be worth rethinking this approach and instead following your fertility clinic’s recommended timelines (if you’re undergoing treatment, of course).

Firstly, testing too early can give confusing results. You might get a false positive if the test picks up synthetic hormones from fertility medication. Or you might receive a false negative if there isn’t enough pregnancy hormone in your system yet. In other words, testing early often doesn’t give you clear or reliable information either way.

Secondly, pregnancy tests themselves can trigger a traumatic response because of how much fear and anxiety each little stick can hold for us. One way to reduce that fear is simply to wait to take one until you genuinely need to. If you can, try waiting for your period to arrive instead, or hold off until the official test day recommended by your clinic.

Thirdly, it’s very easy for testing to become all-consuming. Repeated testing can quickly turn into something obsessive or compulsive. I’ve sooo been there myself. I became incredibly anxious and hyper-focused, and I was so much happier once I learned how to step back and stop letting it take over my thoughts.

Instead, try preparing your mindset by focusing on being present. Fill the two-week wait with plenty of activities and things to look forward to. Commit to your self-care, set boundaries around what you will and won’t do socially and prioritise your mental health and wellbeing. In my humble opinion, this is something to work on every single day. Even just 10 minutes a day can go a long way in helping shift your mindset.

Ways to prepare

Learning mindfulness and staying present takes commitment, so it’s important to give yourself the time and space to practise it. When you’re in a stronger, more balanced mindset, you’ll be in a much better place to cope with whatever the result may be.

If you can, start doing this work before you reach the point of finding out whether you’re pregnant this time around.

On test day

Most of us will wake up and take the test first thing. You’ll often read that using ‘first morning urine’ (a phrase you’ll only really become familiar with if you’re going through this!) is the most reliable, as it’s more concentrated. And, of course, it’s also because you just want to know, right?

Before you do anything, take a few quiet minutes for some simple breathwork. Breathe in and out slowly, placing one hand on your heart and one on your tummy. Let yourself settle. Gently centre yourself. Remind yourself that you are strong and that whatever happens, you will find the support you need. You might repeat this as a quiet affirmation or mantra.

If the test is negative

Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Cry. Throw the pregnancy test into the bath. Scream into a pillow. Whatever you need to do, do it.

There’s often a surge of emotion in this moment, not just from the disappointment itself, but from all the tension that’s been building. Those feelings can be overwhelming as they move through your body. And that’s without even mentioning the added impact of fertility medications, like progesterone. These hormones will begin to settle, but in that moment, the most important thing is not to suppress how you feel. Let it be there.

The next step, for me personally, was finding a way to process that excess energy. Going for a walk, speaking to someone I trusted who truly understood, or finding some kind of outlet made a real difference. It might be a HIIT class, or something as simple as clearing out a cupboard, but try to choose something physical. Come back into your body. Give yourself the time and space to feel this fully, and to grieve.

Rebuilding your confidence is part of this too. Remind yourself that you are worthy. That you matter. That you are not a failure. And that a negative result this time does not mean it will always be negative.

Finally, I want to send my deepest empathy and love to anyone reading this after a negative test. You are not foolish for hoping.

Take care,
Alice x

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