I’m a solo mum by choice – yes, I used donor conception and here’s what I’ve learned
Marije, 38, from Holland had always dreamed of having a family, but the right partner never came along. Rather than grieving the life she had imagined, Marije decided to explore her options and find a way to have the baby she wanted so desperately.
Here at The Ribbon Box, this story resonates. Founder Eloise personally used donor sperm following her husband’s azoospermia diagnosis, making this a subject that is incredibly close to our hearts. Women who are, or want to become, solo mums by choice deserve greater support and visibility, as do those navigating male factor infertility.
Today, we’re hearing from Marije and our partner sperm bank, Cryos International. Read on as they share how Marije’s dream of becoming a mother came true, alongside expert insights into the sperm donor process.
Marije’s story
“I started looking for my Plan B – my path to solo parenthood – online, but this was no easy task. My gynaecologist told me she could only help me if I had a “real” man at my side. I found it really hard to find the answer I knew was out there, but after some time, I finally stumbled upon Cryos International. This was exactly what I needed – this was the answer! But how did it work?
I knew I’d need specific help and assistance, and I knew that my chances of getting pregnant the ‘natural way’ were really small. After lots of searching, I pieced together how to get started.”
After researching the best fertility options available, Marije began talking to colleagues, friends and family about what she needed to consider before becoming a solo mum by choice and embarking on parenthood alone.
The reactions were mixed. Some people had concerns about her decision, while others supported her wholeheartedly. In the end, it was that unwavering support that mattered most.
Things to think about
As with any major life decision, there are positives and negatives to consider when using a sperm bank. Here are a few thought starters to help shape your decision making.
Positives:
- If you’re trying to conceive and struggling with infertility, then the option for a sperm or egg donor will give you a great chance of making your dreams come true.
- With sperm or egg donation, your child will be genetically related to either yourself or your partner.
- A top donor bank will offer guidance throughout the selection process, ensuring you feel supported and comfortable in this decision.
- Online resources have developed significantly, providing access to success stories from other couples or solo parents who have also used a donor.
Challenges:
- You have to be prepared for the fact that it could take a couple of tries until you have success (either with IUI or IVF).
- The social landscape can be tricky here – donor conception is still a lot for the general population to get heads around at first take, and this will be part of your journey.
- Your child may have a lot of questions when they are older.
- New motherhood is challenging in almost any situation, but as a solo parent you’ll need lots of top-notch support.
Marije had her own similar concerns, especially about having a child as a solo mum. Not knowing anyone else who’d gone down the donor route, there were very few people to swap notes with.
“Could I decide for my child that he or she should not get support from a dad? And will my child hate me for it later on? As I was considering these things, I still knew that I would never forgive myself if I did not try.”
With support from her family, Marije made the choice.
“My mother told me that ‘if this is what you really want to do, then go and do it’. This was what I needed to hear, and I picked up the phone to call the hospital that worked with Cryos International.”
Selecting donor sperm
After having made the final decision and having found a hospital where Marije would be able to get fertility treatment, the search for the perfect sperm donor begun…
“This was no easy task, but I finally made the decision with the support from my mum. We thought the story and the family tree of the donor had some resemblance to my own family and it felt good! His motivational letter really touched my heart. This was him.”
The fertility specialists at the hospital helped Marije order the sperm straws from Cryos, and finally, the day arrived for Marije’s first insemination. However, going to the hospital without a partner was a surreal experience.
“After some time, a woman came into the waiting room – also alone. I was thinking about asking her how she felt being there alone. I wanted to hear her thoughts about becoming a single mum. Maybe we could support each other. While I was over-thinking it, her husband or boyfriend came and sat next to her. OMG, I was so happy that I did not say anything.”
Photo Credit – @salted.photography
It look three rounds of IUI
Marije’s first and second attempts of trying to conceive didn’t work, but the third time was a charm.
“I asked my mum to come with me for my third attempt. It felt good not to be alone. My mum seems to be my lucky charm because this time I got pregnant. OMG, I was pregnant!!! I felt so overwhelmed. It is a feeling that is so hard to describe. I cried happy tears.
I had as many echoscopes as I could have. I couldn’t get enough looking at my boy. Yes, I was going to be the mother of a boy! So, in a way, my other dream of having a man in the house was also fulfilled.”
Nine months passed, and Marije had her baby boy. At the same time, she stepped into a whole new world – a world where she was a solo mum and had the sole responsibility for a child. Today, Marije’s donor has a special place in her heart…
“When I look at my boy today, I wish I could send a picture of him to my donor. I would like to let him know what a beautiful person my son is – his face and his character. I would like to let him know how thankful I am. There are no words that can describe my gratitude to my donor. He must be a really good human being for doing this.
My son is now almost 9 months old and he is a real joy! It turned out that Plan B was not so bad after all. A real dream came true!”
Thinking about going it solo? You can visit Cryos International to find useful resources about solo motherhood, read stories of other single mothers and search between more than 1.000 sperm donor profiles.
