The impact of infertility – life, relationships & marriage (& stories to help you navigate)

Infertility isn’t something most of us see coming

Which means when it hits, we’re rarely ready for the emotional fallout (literally) – let alone the impact it can have on our relationship(s).

As relationship specialist Lisa told The Ribbon Box, “For most people, infertility is very difficult, and it often puts a huge strain on romantic relationships.” Even the most solid partnerships can wobble under the weight of grief, pressure, and uncertainty.

That’s why opening up the conversation matters. It helps us feel less alone, more seen – and better equipped to cope. So we reached out to our TRB community on Instagram to talk about infertility and romantic relationships. The stories, while unique, had some painfully familiar themes.

From faded sex lives and emotional disconnection to the mounting pressure of financial stress, the same struggles came up again and again. We spoke to readers, as well as sex and relationship experts, to find out how people are navigating these challenges – and what’s actually helping.

Very often, it’s not as simple as ‘infertility ruined my marriage’, although this gets a lot of air time in the comments and forum chat. And, there’s frequent stories of hope – experiences from people who’ve made it through the process, and come out strong.

Their tips for dealing with infertility – whatever your relationship looks like – are worth their weight in scroll time.

The one must-have they all had in common?
Honest, intentional communication.

Let’s break it down.

1. When sex starts to feel like a task

For many people navigating infertility, sex stops being something spontaneous or intimate – and instead becomes part of the to-do list.

Most of the people we spoke to told us that sex with their partner had completely changed since they started trying to conceive (TTC). What was once flirty and full of chemistry is now often reduced to something that feels, in their words, like “a chore.”

One TRB reader, 42, who has PCOS and has been TTC for four years, put it bluntly:

“Fertility struggle has killed the romance and doing it is normally just a chore.”

Another, in her 30s, who’s been TTC for five years, said intimacy with her partner now feels flat:

“It’s just for the sake of it, there’s no affection as before.”

Caroline*, 30, has been trying to conceive for two years and is currently waiting on a referral to a fertility clinic. She shared that sex started to feel transactional – something that needed to happen, rather than something she wanted.

“It’s hard when you’re TTC not to feel as though sex is just a transaction,” she explained.

That emotional toll runs deep.

“Growing in the pit of my stomach as I ached and longed to be a mum and grieved the loss of what my husband and I used to have in the bedroom,” Caroline told us, reflecting on how hard it was to lose that connection.

Like many others in this situation, Caroline found herself constantly analysing – scheduling sex, reading symptoms, bringing it into every conversation – and unknowingly putting pressure on her partner to “perform” on cue.

Sex Coach and Chinese Medicine Practitioner Denise explained the pattern:

“Women become very focused on getting the timing down, and men often feel pressure to perform on schedule. Then, things like performance anxiety, low sex drive, tiredness and the like take centre stage.”

And for Caroline, the pressure was even more intense because her partner works away a lot – shrinking their “fertility window” even further. One day, mid-discussion about baby-making, her husband opened up and said he just couldn’t cope anymore.

That raw moment of honesty changed everything. Caroline began CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), and five weeks later, says she’s finally seeing things differently:

“Of course, it’s still hard – CBT is not a miracle cure, but it has enabled me to stand on the outside and look in,” she explained.

That perspective shift allowed Caroline and her partner to rebuild parts of their relationship, especially around sex.

“Believe it or not, I’ve become more chilled out over ovulation,” she said.
“If we want sex then we will have it, if we don’t, we won’t. The desire [to have sex] has returned, and now my thoughts are more often about how much I want my husband, rather than just a baby.”

And with that shift has come a lot of the joy they’d lost.

“As a result, my husband and I are enjoying our time together, laughing and planning things more often. I’d forgotten how much we love spending time with each other.”

For anyone in the same place Caroline was, her advice is simple but powerful:

“Consider counseling or CBT, it will help you see a brighter path. You have to remember to look after your mental health. We do so much for our bodies when TTC and leave our brain to sort itself out.”

Let’s talk about sex

For Caroline, one honest conversation was all it took to start getting her romantic and sexual relationship back on track – and she’s not alone.

Denise tells The Ribbon Box that many of her clients come to IVF “because they no longer have sex, or there are sexual issues that they don’t want to talk about.” Her number one piece of advice? Open communication.

Talking about sex can actually help increase desire and, in turn, support fertility – something Denise sees in her practice time and again:

“I recently had a couple in their late thirties who were having problems because the male partner needed to use Viagra when his wife was ovulating.

“It turned out that his partner – with the best intentions – would send calendar reminders titled ‘sexy time’ when she was ovulating. Receiving these was creating real anxiety and – ironically – disconnect.

From there, we focused on uncovering better ways for them to communicate around sex and fertility. They both agreed to put a calendar in the cupboard which he’d check to see the days his partner was ovulating.

Just two months later – after a few more sessions and some acupuncture – they were pregnant.

2. Disconnection through disagreement

Infertility can put serious pressure on even the strongest relationships, and feeling disconnected from your partner is an all-too-common side effect. One major trigger? Fertility-related disagreements. Our research found that couples often clashed most when it came to decisions around treatment options and who (if anyone) to open up to about their fertility journey.

Olivia*, 40, has adenomyosis and endometriosis, autoimmune hypothyroidism and immune issues, and has been TTC for four years. When talking about the emotional distance in her relationship, Olivia shared that she tries to stay hopeful and focus on the positives. Her partner, on the other hand, tends to take a more pessimistic approach – something that’s created tension between them.

“He doesn’t believe ‘minor’ lifestyle changes like cutting out sugar, coffee or alcohol will make a difference. His unwillingness upsets me as I feel he’s not as committed as I am,” Olivia explained. “I also feel jealous that he will still be able to have a genetic child even if we use donor eggs, whereas, for me, that option will be gone forever.”

These mismatched perspectives have been tough on Olivia, especially as she describes herself as “genetically extremely sensitive to stress.” Wanting to protect her mental wellbeing and reconnect with her partner, she’s since opened up to him about how she feels – and sought support from her fertility counsellor to help navigate the emotional toll.

Starting the conversation

Navigating the emotional toll of infertility takes work. And for many, that starts with open, honest communication.

“I’ve spoken to a couple of fertility counsellors, which has been very helpful,” says Olivia. “In addition to counselling, I’ve tried to deal with the stress infertility has put on my relationship by talking frankly with my partner. I always try to talk when I feel the pressure is getting too high.”

These conversations aren’t always frequent, or easy. “We don’t talk about it very often, as these discussions tend to be quite emotionally exhausting,” she explains. “But when we do, it helps us both a lot.”

While Olivia and her partner often approach things from different angles, speaking openly helps bridge that gap. “Even though we don’t think the same way about lots of things, it helps to speak, be listened to, and to hear what the other has to say – to know where we both stand.” And more often than not, she adds, “we’re on the same page about most, even if not all, the important issues.”

Alongside those conversations, Olivia has leaned into practices like yoga and meditation – tools shown to help boost fertility – and found them hugely supportive for managing the emotional weight of both infertility and relationship tension. “I would definitely recommend these, for anyone faced with infertility,” she says.

Of course, addressing emotional differences, especially around something as charged as fertility, is rarely straightforward. Denise, another member of our community, uses a unique approach to make sure both partners feel heard: the talking stick. “Sometimes we don’t really hear our partner,” she says. “This tool allows the person holding the stick to do the talking, while their partner just listens.”

Then, the listener reflects back what they heard, before switching roles. “Everyone likes to feel heard and understood,” Denise says. “And with such a heated topic as infertility, this sometimes doesn’t happen.”

Compromise through communication

Without compromise, disagreements can quietly build into resentment and strain within a relationship. Olivia and her partner, for example, hold conflicting views on who they should talk to about their fertility struggle.

This kind of disconnect is a common side effect of infertility. One partner may experience shame or embarrassment and withdraw, while the other feels isolated and naturally seeks social support.

But with honest communication, it’s often possible to find a healthy middle ground. Olivia describes the discomfort she feels around her partner’s family and their mutual friends:

“I need to concentrate quite hard not to accidentally mention it,” Olivia explains. “It makes interacting with my partner’s family quite tricky too, like when we’ve visited them, and I’ve not been able to tell them why I’ve had to rush to the bedroom mid-film when taking my injections.”

Being unable to talk about such an all-consuming part of her life has left Olivia feeling disconnected from these groups. Still, she recognises the complexity of their situation:

“I have to respect the fact that my partner doesn’t feel comfortable sharing our story with anyone,” she says, and has found comfort in opening up to others outside their shared circle.

3. Fertility financing worries

Infertility doesn’t just dominate our sex lives, our thoughts, and our decision-making. Often, it takes over our finances too. The cost of medical and holistic treatment, travel to and from fertility clinics, missed work, medication, sh*t hot nutrition, counselling, and supplements can stack up quickly.

And just like fertility struggles themselves, these mounting expenses rarely form part of anyone’s original life plan.

With financial strain often comes added stress and tension within relationships.

One 32-year-old TRB reader, who has been TTC for over four years and is diagnosed with endometriosis and PCOS, shared:

“Hate that we’ve spent so much money, but we desperately want another baby. When my husband talks about money, I find myself feeling guilty and suggesting giving up.”

Sally*, 36, who has PCOS and whose husband has low sperm mobility, has been trying to conceive for six and a half years. She spoke about the sacrifices they’ve made in prioritising fertility, and the impact that’s had on their relationship.

“What started with ‘well, if we buy those supplements, we won’t buy such and such’ soon progressed to giving up holidays to fund fertility expenses, which puts a strain on our relationship,” Sally explained.

Alongside holidays, date nights have also been put on hold – all of this creates a meaningful but familiar gap in that crucial ‘together’ time, for any couple.

But recognising the importance of staying connected, Sally and her husband have committed to a once-a-month date where they focus on each other, keeping costs low but the connection strong.

Let’s talk about money, and create a clear plan

Research shows that putting together a plan of action could help improve marital satisfaction. No matter where you are in your fertility journey, talking money and coming to an agreement together can relieve stress.

Even though fertility is uncertain, and you never know what treatment you’ll be recommended next, or if you’ll need anything at all, creating a savings plan is always a smart idea.

You might not need the money for fertility after all, and then you can beckon back the date night and book that much-deserved holiday.

Infertility and romantic relationships – the bottom line

Most of the relationship struggles our readers reported were a result of misunderstandings or differing opinions, and, it transpires, that the majority of them can be eased with communication.

If you can, talk to your partner, find common ground, and be willing to compromise. Denise’s book, Conceiving with Love, is a great tool that details means of communicating about these complicated and emotional topics.