Doing family life as one and done – is it okay?

One and done. Is that you? Or are you not ‘there’ yet, in the decision process?

Because very often, this family formation is intentional. Outsiders may assume that something has ‘gone wrong’ with your set up – when actually, it’s just perfect. 

Back in the 90s, we called it being an ‘only child’. A few of my friends ticked this box, and looking at it now, as a parent of two, I can see that there was some very real misconception – clumsy assumption – around what this meant for a family dynamic.

How common is one and done?

We’ve all heard it, said it or felt it. An ‘only child’ might be lonely. They’re often spoiled. They struggle to share and socialize with other kids. And so on. 

My instinct is to dismiss all of that as generalizing rubbish. But digging into it, let’s acknowledge that some kids do feel lonely. A close friend of mine – who grew up as an ‘only child’ – has told me in the past that she craved being part of a big, ‘busy’ family, as a kid and did often feel lonely. 

But kids in families of three, four and five can feel lonely, too. Just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean they’re up for interaction. There’s often less bandwidth in ‘big’ families for getting kids to play dates, for example – or reciprocating. You muddle along, as a family, in and out of each other’s orbits. 

Being spoiled or struggling to socialize are similarly contextual. And really, the takeaway here is that every. single. family dynamic is unique. Mind you, 20 per cent of households with children in the US are one-child – while in the EU it’s 49 per cent and in Australia it’s 15 per cent. It’s also very much an upwards trend. 

Is it okay to be one and done? I mean, of course. This is very much a you do you topic. But if you want a more formed response, keep reading.

What does ‘I’m one and done’ mean?

One and done is a term for parents who’ve decided to raise an only child, often as a conscious choice rather than entirely due to ‘forced’ circumstances – for example, secondary infertility which we’ve covered a couple of times. 

Globally, this parenting choice is on the rise, with many finding that a single-child family – sometimes referred to as a ‘triangle family’ – suits their goals for lifestyle balance, career pursuits, financial security, parenting approach and set-up, or simply personal preference. 

In her book One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One, Lauren Sandler makes the case for raising just one child, from an only child’s perspective. From economic concerns to societal stresses, Sandler puts forward a set of compelling considerations, when deciding how to shape your family unit. 

So, as modern parenting evolves, is being one and done becoming more widely accepted? We should be seeing lots of supportive space for parents who feel one child is just right for their family dynamic, right? 

Sure. But in reality, this topic is really divisive – often intergenerationally, as well as parent to parent. For some reason, many of us perceive a legitimate claim to telling another parent how many children they should have. Which absolutely is rubbish.

Why are more parents choosing one and done?

In 2024, the growing number of one and done families reflects a wider societal shift. Rising living costs and career demands make raising multiple children increasingly challenging. Childcare – particularly the more informal and traditional support from grandparents – is harder to come by. Concerns about environmental sustainability may influence many parents’ choices. 

Underpinning it all, perspectives on family dynamics have evolved, with more acceptance of diverse family structures beyond traditional norms.

Studies show that attitudes have changed significantly in recent decades. Fewer of us now see large families as essential, with wonderful writers like Faye Keegan for Vogue setting out both the practical and rewarding aspects of a triangle family. You get more of that extra special one-on-one time. The costs are a different ball game. Scheduling is so much simpler. 

Or maybe your own perspective has evolved. A friend of mine shot me a voice note when I was writing this feature, pointing out that she and her partner had tried for a second baby, but it hadn’t worked out. 

After going through a bout of pretty bad anxiety as a result, she realized that in fact she didn’t want to have any more children – she was one and done. With her son now six, she’s really happy in that decision. But less so in other people’s – very forthcoming – opinions. She says, “it’s tricky. Actually, it’s those opinions which trigger a feeling of loss.

Even though I know it wasn’t the right thing for us, everyone has such an opinion on what it is to be an only child – or becoming an adult as an only child. Everyone, even people in a supermarket checkout, feel able to ask, and give an opinion. One person – a stranger – called me cruel. It’s crazy really, and makes me question everything constantly, which is frustrating.”

What are the challenges?

For one and done parents, there are real worries that pop up, like the thought of their child feeling lonely without siblings, or whether they might regret this choice later on. 

My friend continues, “The worry that I’ve made the right decision is a big one. And it’s constant. I worry about my son being able to socialize – he’s great with adults, but is shy and finds transitions difficult. And part of me feels that this is because he’s an only child.

But in the calmest of mindsets, I know that there are lots of ways to do life. And this is just one of them. He gets a better version of me than he would get, if he had a sibling, and I know that he’s a great kid. I feel incredibly lucky, and privileged, in the family shape we have.”

These thoughts and questions are natural. And the answer for many, is to get intentional. Making a strong effort to create a ‘village’ for our kids – from organizing playdates, to finding just the right interest clubs for a bit of like-minded connection, and prioritizing quality time with cousins and family friends. 

Just as beautifully, there’s so much to take from the benefits – maybe it’s giving a child undivided attention, offering more flexibility in family life, and/or managing finances more comfortably.

Building community networks and encouraging a child’s involvement in group activities – from sports and art classes to local clubs – helps nurture social skills and meaningful friendships. One and done parents get to feel a special joy in seeing their child blossom within a close-knit group, knowing they’re helping create that sense of connection and security every child needs, sibling or not.

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